A Whirlwind of Color Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Thursday

No matter what I did, I couldn’t wake up from this dream. 

“Today’s the day you get out of here,” my doctor said cheerily as he strolled into my room.  He sighed when he saw me.  “You need to stop pinching yourself, Penny.  This isn’t a dream that you can wake up from.  He put his hand on top of mine to stop me from pinching my skin.

“I know it’s not a dream.  It’s a freaking nightmare.”

He lifted his hand.  “We’ve talked about this.  You’re suffering from amnesia.  Your memory should come back.” 

“My memory is fine.”

“You fighting it isn’t helping.”

“I’m trying to hold on to my life.”  I felt like I was drowning.

“Getting back into your normal routine is going to help you remember,” he said, ignoring me.  “Your husband is filling out the discharge forms as we speak.  And he left a change of clothes for you in the restroom.”

“Please don’t make me leave with him.”

“From everything I’ve heard and seen, you two are very much in love.”

A forced laugh came from my lips. 

“You’re one of the lucky ones.”

I certainly didn’t feel lucky.  Everything I knew and loved had been stripped from me.  I was transported into this world I didn’t understand.  With a brooding fake husband and a daughter?  I didn’t know what was real anymore.  Maybe I had imagined the little girl.  I probably had.  She’d never come to visit me in my room.  Maybe I was imagining James.  Please let me have imagined James too.

“Are you ever going to tell me about my scars?”  I had brought it up yesterday after I came out of my forced sleep.  But the doctor had insisted that I needed more rest.

He sat down in the chair next to my bed.  “You’ve been having a hard time accepting things as it is.  How about we make an appointment for you to come talk next week?”

“So it’s bad, huh?”

“You need to take it easy.  You were unconscious for two weeks.  You can’t resume normal activity for at least another two.”

“Is it my liver?”  God, I just knew it was my liver.  I could feel it.

He smiled.  “No.  Your liver is functioning properly.  There’s nothing to worry about there.”

“So there is something to worry about?”

“No, no.  You’ll live a full happy life.  Come see me in a week.”  He stood up. 

Now that I was about to leave the hospital, everything suddenly felt real.  It was slowly sinking in that I was stuck in whatever joke of a life this was.  With a man I didn’t know.  What was he going to expect of me when I went back to his place?  I swallowed hard.  I couldn’t do this.  “There’s nothing you can do to jog my memory?”

“I know all of this is shocking.  And it’s going to take some time to adjust.  But please, try to accept what you hear.  Everyone’s just trying to help.  That 19 year old that you’re holding on to?  From everything I’ve read about you and your family, you turned into quite the impressive young woman.  Embrace her.  You’ve been given the whole world.  You’ll never want for anything.”

That wasn’t true.  I wanted my old life back.  But what did he mean by that?  Was I rich?  Had I robbed a bank?  Had I won the Nobel Peace Prize?  “Is James famous or something?  Or…am I famous?  Or…”

“Your husband will fill you in,” my doctor said.  “In the meantime, if you don’t want to embrace this life, how about you pretend this is all real?  Make a game of it.”

“You’re joking.”

He shook his head.  “It might help.  You’re going to have quite the eventful day.  See you in a week, Penny.”

At least he hadn’t called me Mrs. Hunter.

***

Make-believe.  I didn’t have to truly believe it.  I just had to pretend to believe it. 

I finished dressing and stared into the mirror at the face I didn’t recognize.  I can do this.  Right?

The dress I was wearing was sophisticated and uncomfortable.  I missed my leggings and tank tops.  Maybe they’d be back at my place.  Our place.  God.

How could I play make-believe when I didn’t even know what I was about to get myself into?  I had no idea where I lived.  No idea who I was.  I took a deep breath.  Just pretend.  It’ll all be over soon.

I smiled at my reflection and tried not to grimace at the face I didn’t recognize.

“Penny,” James said with a knock on the door.

I opened it and stared at my husband.  Just thinking about the word “husband” did make me believe I was in an alternate world.  Accept it.

“You ready to get out of here?”  He looked hopeful.  And tired.  Or maybe it was something else.  The brown hue of his eyes seemed to swirl with secrets.  I found myself wanting to know every single one of them before I awoke from this dream.

“Yup.  Take me home, husband.”

He gave me a strange look.  “You’ve stopped fighting the truth?”

“Sure.”

He shook his head, clearly not believing me.  But he put out his hand for me anyway.

I slipped my hand into his and felt the same spark that I had yesterday.  I could get used to this.  It was easy to feel safe by his side as we made our way through the hospital.

“The car is right outside,” he said as he stopped before the exit.  His hand fell from mine and I instantly felt cold.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.”  He looked down at his watch like he was studying something.

“Is everything okay?”

He smiled and looked back up at me.  “Everything’s fine, Penny.  I just forgot something from your room.  I’ll be right back down.”

“I’ll see you at the car then.”  I made my way out the doors even though I had no idea what our car looked like.  I glanced over my shoulder before the doors closed.  James had his hand pressed against the wall and was hunched over slightly.  Maybe he wasn’t as broken as I originally thought.  Maybe the dark circles under his eyes weren’t caused by me.  Maybe it was something else entirely.  He looked…ill. 

I was about to walk back into the hospital when someone called my name.  I turned around just in time to see the man before he threw his arms around me. 

“I knew you needed me back,” he said.  “Despite what Jen thinks, this is the best position I’ve ever had, and I’m not going anywhere this time.”

Who the hell was this?  And who the hell was Jen?  “Oh, okay,” I said without hugging him back.

He pulled away.  “Sorry.  I…let me start over.  I’m Ian.”  He held out his hand for me to shake.  “I am engaged to James’ sister, Jen.  You know…your sister-in-law.”

“Ah, got you.”  I had met Jen the other day.  I think.  “So you’re my soon to be brother-in-law.”

“Also the head of your security detail.”

“Security detail?  Why on earth do we need a security detail?”

“Well, for starters because it seems like everyone’s out to get you.”

I laughed.  “Who?  I don’t think I have any enemies.  I barely talk enough for someone to realize if they hate me or not.”

“Just trust me when I say that you need us.”

“There’s more than just you?”

“Four of us in total.  You had three and then you hired me back.”

“Me?”  I thought three security guards wasn’t enough?  What kind of paranoid weirdo had I become?

“Yes, you,” James said as he rejoined me, slipping his arm around my waist.  He did it like it was the most normal thing in the world.  Like he didn’t realize how much his touch accelerated my heartbeat.  “Let’s get you home.”

Ian opened up the back door of the car in front of us.  A sleek black sedan that probably cost more than my college tuition.

“So we have a security detail?” I asked as I slid into the back seat.  And a fancy car that we don’t drive ourselves.  I stared at James as he sat down next to me.

“To keep us safe,” he said as he buckled his seatbelt. 

“From who?”

“When you’re in the limelight like us, you’d be surprised by how many people are a threat.”

“And why are we in the limelight?  Are you like a famous actor or something?”  It seemed like the most logical conclusion.  He was beautiful.  There was no doubt about that.  His dark brown eyes and sharp jaw line would make anyone in their right mind weak in the knees.  And it really seemed like he was part of some elaborate scheme to make me feel insane.  But if that was the case, he probably wasn’t an A-list actor.  Maybe he was just starting out in showbiz.

He sighed.  “A lot of reasons.”

“Like?” 

“I sold my first company for a large sum.”  He shrugged.  “We donate to a lot of great charities.  The way we met didn’t exactly pull me out of the limelight either.  It just thrust you into it.”

“You avoided my question about how we met before.  Are you going to answer it now?”

“I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”

His words reverberated through me.  I could feel that he was telling the truth.  It made our make-believe relationship feel real.  “And how did you meet me?”

He smiled.  “We bumped into each other in a coffee shop.”

“That hardly sounds like something that would make us need a security detail.”

He lowered both his eyebrows.  “Well you weren’t just some woman who stole my affection.”  He paused, catching my gaze.  There were so many secrets swirling in his dark irises.  I wanted to know everything he was holding back.

“I wasn’t?”

“No.”  He reached out and cupped the side of my face in his large hand.  “As much as I wished that you were, that wasn’t the case.”

“Because I'm only 19?  Er...was only 19.”

He lowered both eyebrows.  “Yes.  But more so because you were my student.”

I started laughing. 

His expression didn’t change.

I started laughing harder.  And I couldn’t seem to stop.  So he wasn’t an actor after all.  But he was most definitely a comedian.

END OF CHAPTER 6

Come back next Tuesday to see Chapter 7!

***Ch. 7 now available HERE***

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A Whirlwind of Color Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Wednesday

I had never felt so safe and secure in my entire life.  Like I was wrapped up in a cocoon of warmth.  I squeezed my eyes shut.  I didn’t want to face today.  The nightmare from last night was so vivid.  And I was glad it was just that.  A nightmare.

Today was a new day.  And I needed to get up before I was late for my exam.  But I loved having Austin’s arms around me.  It was the one time when his feelings about me were obvious.  When he was sleeping, he clung to me.  He held me close.  I didn’t know why he couldn’t do that during the day.  Why he couldn’t see us as more.

These were the moments I held close to my heart.  They were the reason I stayed.  The reason why I was patient with him.  Melissa said I was a pushover.  And maybe that was true, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I liked him.  I truly did.  I was just waiting for him to realize that we were on the same page.

I took a deep breath.  He smelled different, like he'd started to wear cologne or something.  But I knew for a fact that he didn’t wear cologne.  For a second I wondered if it was another woman’s scent on his skin.  The thought quickly faded.  This scent was all man.  Deliciously male.  Maybe it was a new body wash.  Whatever the change, I liked it.  He smelled like a million bucks.  It made me feel slightly dizzy like I was intoxicated by him.  I turned in the bed to nestle into his chest.

His arms wrapped tighter around me.  “Penny.” 

That was not Austin’s voice.

My eyes flew open at the same time my heart stopped beating.  A man’s chest I didn’t recognize was pressed against my face.  I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Penny, it’s just me.”  The man pulled away, releasing me from his warm embrace. 

I screamed again even though I recognized him now.  James.  The man that claimed to be my husband.  The man from my nightmares.  The man that couldn’t possibly be real.

“It’s me.”  He grabbed both sides of my face and tried to force me to look at him.

I was supposed to wake up from this dream.  Why hadn’t I woken up?  I tried to push his hands away from me, but he gripped my face harder.

“Penny.”

“Don’t touch me.”  I clamped my hands on his wrists, trying as hard as I could to fight him off.

“Look at me, baby.  Please just look at me.  Look at me and try to remember.”

“Help!” I screamed.  “Someone help me!”

He removed his hands from my face like I had slapped him.  And we stayed like that for a moment, with my hands clutched tightly around his wrists.  Frozen in the bed staring at each other. 

The dark circles under his eyes and the frown on his lips weighed on me.  And I had the same sense as before.  That he was broken.  I wanted to help, but I didn’t know him.  I couldn’t fix him.  I immediately let go of his wrists and scooted away from him.  “What are you doing here?”

“I can’t sleep without you beside me.  You know that.”

I hadn’t meant in my bed.  I meant here.  In existence.  “I know nothing about you.”  I inched farther away.

“Penny, you know me.  If you’d just take a second to truly look at me I know you’ll remember.”

I kept scooting away from him until my ass was hanging off the edge of the bed.

“Look in my eyes and tell me you feel nothing.”

I locked eyes with him.  It was true, his arms had made me feel safe.  Secure.  Warm.  But I hadn’t known it was him.  I thought it was Austin.  That was the only reason why I had felt that way.  I tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of my mind.  The one that was screaming that when James released me from his embrace, I had never felt so cold in my entire life.  My skin pebbled with goosebumps.  It was like my body was trying to tell me I needed him.  I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember him.  To remember anything that he claimed to be true.

But there was nothing there.  Yes, he was handsome.  I couldn’t deny that.  Any woman would be lucky to have him.  But he wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his.  Everything he claimed was true couldn’t possibly be.  I scooted even further away, forgetting that there wasn’t any more room, and started to fall off the bed.

He grabbed my waist before I fell, and pulled me back onto the mattress.  This time I didn’t think his touch was comforting.  It was electrifying.  Like he had just slapped me with a bug zapper.  What the hell was that?

I climbed off the bed, pointing at him accusatorily.  “You can’t just sneak in here and…and…hold me in the middle of the night, you psycho.”

He sat up in the bed but didn’t respond.  His t-shirt was slightly wrinkled, and it somehow made the guilty look on his face even more extreme.  He was sad and lost and…I wasn’t sure why I cared so fucking much.

I buried my fingers in my hair.  “God, this was supposed to be a dream.  Why haven’t I woken up?  What the hell is happening?”  I reached down and pinched myself.  Ow.  I stared at the other side of the bed where James had just stood up.  I pinched myself again.  Ow.  Why wasn’t he disappearing?  Go away!

I started walking back and forth.  “You’re not real, and I don’t know why I can’t make you go back into my imagination.  Not that I’ve been imagining you.  I’d imagine someone my own age would want to marry me.  At some point.  Way in the future.  Not any time soon.  I’m too young to be married.”

“Penny.”  He started walking around the bed.

“I’m 19.  Don’t you see that?  Don’t you see that I’m too young for whatever the hell this is?”  I gestured back and forth between us.  “You’re 34.”

“Penny.”  He stopped a few feet away from me, giving me the space I desperately needed.

I flung open the blinds to see that the city was still below me and started pacing faster.  “What the hell am I doing in New York City?  I hate the city.  I hate it here.  I wouldn’t choose to be here unless I lost my mind!”  I realized I was waving my hands around, but couldn’t stop.

“We decided that…”

“We?” I said.  “There is no we.  And all those people I met yesterday?  Those aren’t my friends.  And you’re not my husband.  This,” I said and pointed to my ring finger.  “Was just a terrible self-tanner accident.  We’re not married.  It’s impossible.  And whatever is going on with my skin,” I gestured to my face, “is a weird hospital mirror trick.  I don’t have wrinkles next to my eyes.  Teenagers don’t have wrinkles.” 

“They’re laugh lines,” James said.  “And I love them.  I love every part…”

I held up my hand so he wouldn’t come any closer.  “What, you’re telling me you love this?”  I gestured to my beer belly.  “Am I just fat or did something happen to me?  Did I lose my liver?  Do livers make you sane?  Why can’t I remember what the fuck a liver does?”  I was screaming now.  Screaming, pacing, and flailing my arms around like a maniac.

“Penny, if you’d just calm down I can tell you everything you want to know.”

“I don’t want you to tell me.  I want the doctors to tell me.  You’re not even real.  I’ve just lost my damned mind.”

“Penny, please…”  He reached out for me, his hand connecting with my forearm.

I felt the same shock as before.  He was strong.  And kind and patient.  I wanted to be able to lean into him and let him fix everything.  But I couldn’t lean on a figment of my imagination.  “I’ve lost my mind.”  I rushed past him toward the door.

“Penny, don’t go out there…”

But I had already flung the door open and was running out of the room.  I needed fresh air.  I couldn’t breathe in this hospital.

“Penny, stop!”

I flung open a door at the end of the hall.  Strangers turned toward me from their seats in the waiting room.  No, not complete strangers.  I had met several of them yesterday.  Some of James’ friends.  His father.  My eyes landed on my parents.  Thank God.  I was just about to yell for my mom, but someone beat me to it.

“Mommy!”

I turned around to see a little girl with bright red hair running toward me.  I saw another reflection of myself.  A younger version of me.  She looked exactly like I did when I was a kid.  And I felt something snap in my head.  Like any sanity I had left had evaporated. 

I was watching myself from my past.  I wasn’t actually here.  Was I dead?  I felt tears start to fall down my cheeks.  My life was replaying before me.  I stepped out of the way of my childhood self, wondering if she’d be able to just run right through me anyway.

But instead of going toward my parents, she turned toward me.  I stepped to the side again, and she altered her path again. 

The little girl threw herself on me, wrapping her small arms around my legs.  “Mommy, Mommy.  I missed you.”  She peppered kisses on my thigh.

“You have the wrong person, sweetheart,” I said as calmly as I could muster.  “Your mom is over there.”  I pointed to my mother.

The little girl pulled back from me and cocked her head to the side as she studied me.  “No, you’re my mommy.  That’s Grandma.”

What?

“She’s your mommy, Mommy.  The stork brought you to her.  Like he brought me to you and Daddy.  And Liam too.  He’s the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world.  Do you want to see?”  She grabbed my hand.

I immediately pulled away and took a step back.  I collided into a strong chest.  The smell of James’ cologne engulfed me.  It felt like I was suffocating.  I stepped away from him.

“Penny.”  He reached for me, but I backed away.

“No.”

“Penny, let’s get back to your room.”  He reached for me again.

“No.  No, no, no, no…” I couldn’t stop saying it.  I needed my parents.  Not whatever the hell this was.  “Mom!”  I started to run over to them.  “Mom, Dad, take me home.  Tears cascaded down my cheeks.  “Please take me home.”

“Mommy!”  The little girl yelled as she followed me.  “Mommy!”

“Would someone get Scarlett out of here?” James said sternly.

“No, I want my mommy!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.  “No!”  She started crying as James’ brother lifted her into his arms.  “No!” she screamed.  “Mommy!  Mommy, Mommy, I need you!  No!” 

I could still hear her screams as the door closed behind them.  Or was it my own screams?  Because I sounded just like her.  Yelling for my parents.  Begging for them to fix this.

“Take me home.”  I was choking on my tears.

My parents were just sitting there, staring at me like I truly had lost my mind.  I had.  I knew that I had.

James wrapped his arms around me and started whispering in my ear to calm me down.  But his breath wasn’t calming.  It made my heart race faster.  God, I was going to throw up.

“Penny,” he said in the soothing tone you’d use for a distraught child.  “It’s going to be okay.  You’re going to remember everything soon.  Us.  Your children.”

Children plural?  “Get off of me.”  I tried to wiggle out of his grip.  People in the waiting room that I didn’t recognize were staring at us.  Judging my insanity.  “There is no us.”  I said the word “us” with disgust.  “And I don’t have any children with you.  I don’t have any children at all.”

James shook his head.  “You must have seen the similarities…”

I pushed him off of me.  “That was not my daughter.  I’m the daughter.”  I pointed to my chest.  “Mom, tell him.  Tell him none of this is real.”  I was barely getting the words out, I was crying so hard.

 A doctor rushed in.  “Mrs. Hunter, if you would just take a deep breath.”

“What’s happened to me?” I choked.

James tried to reach for me.

“Mr. Hunter, that’s enough,” the doctor said, stepping in front of him.

“She’s upset, I’m trying to calm her down,” James said.

“You’re the one upsetting her.  Can’t you see that?  Just give her some space.”

I wanted to hug the doctor.  But all my fears came bubbling to the surface.  “Am I sick?  Am I dying?  I’m delirious.  I’m imagining things.  I’m imagining him.”  I pointed to James, hoping that the doctor couldn’t actually see him.  Hoping that I was as confused as I believed I was.  Hoping that everything was a dream.

“Mrs. Hunter, I need you to take a deep breath.”

“That’s not my name.”

“Okay, Penny, just take a breath.  We’re going to get you back to your room.”

“Make him stay out,” I said and pointed to James.  “He slept in my bed last night.  I woke up and his arms were around me.”  I started to scratch my skin, trying to rid myself of the feeling of his touch.

The doctor frowned.  “Mr. Hunter, how many times do we have to talk about visiting hours?  You’re not allowed…”

“She needs me,” James said, trying to sidestep the doctor.  “How can she remember if I stay away from her?”

I started sobbing harder.  “I don’t need you.  I need to get out of here.  I need to go home.  Let me go home!  Mom, Dad, please.  Please.”

A nurse rushed in carrying a needle.

“Don’t hurt her!” James yelled.

But the needle was already being pierced into my arm.  The room slowly blurred in front of me.  And I entered the dreamlike state I thought I was already in.

END OF CHAPTER 5

Come back next Tuesday to see Chapter 6!

***Ch. 6 now available HERE***

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A Whirlwind of Color Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Tuesday

Visiting hours were over.  Thank goodness.  I wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn’t make myself close my eyes.  It felt like I was in a horror movie, and as soon as I let my guard down I’d be taken.

Instead, I stared at the closed blinds.  All day long as random people visited me, my eyes had been drawn to the closed blinds.  Light had streamed through and I so badly wanted to be outside instead of locked in here.  I had never liked running, but for some reason I felt like I had years of pent up energy.  I wanted to run around campus with the wind in my hair.  It was an unfamiliar sensation and it made me start to wonder if everyone was telling the truth.  Because I certainly hated running.  But what if time had morphed into this alternate reality where I loved jogging?  I shook away the thought.  It couldn’t be true.  I couldn’t be missing seven years of my life.  I just couldn’t.

I continued to stare at the blinds.  I knew it was nighttime, but there still seemed to be light streaming through them.  How was that possible?  And I knew I was in a hospital, but the night didn’t sound right.  Like the blanket of sleep hadn’t reached anyone outside yet.  It sounded like there were cars still honking.  Like I was on Main Street during rush hour.  What hospital was I in?  Christiana, probably.  That was the closest one to campus.

I slowly stood up.  A nurse had unhooked me from everything earlier and said I was free to roam around the room.  That it would be good for me to start moving again.  That was probably why I felt the need to run.  No one had told me how long I had been in here, but it must have been awhile because my legs felt weak as I walked over to the window.

The sounds of a busy street were even louder as I drew closer.  I pushed aside the blinds to either side and stared down.  And down.  And down.  To a city street far below.  Yellow taxi cabs sped by, cutting off other cars, leaving so many horns blaring in their wake.  New York City.  There wasn’t a doubt in my mind about my current location.  What the fuck was I doing in NYC?  I took a step back, letting the blinds fall into place.

It’s just a bad dream.  None of this is real.  But when I reached out and opened up the blinds again, the same scene stretched out as far as I could see. 

I hated New York.  I hated the rude people and the lack of grass and fresh air.  Even if everyone was telling the truth and I was 26 and married to an old man, I knew this couldn’t be.  I would never in a million years move to New York City.  I hated it here.  I’d never do this.

I put my hand on my forehead.  I was losing my mind.  None of this was real.  None of it.  I took a deep breath and walked back toward my bed.  I needed to go to sleep.  And then I’d wake up from this nightmare.  Everything would go back to normal.  I’d ace my sociology exam.  I’d stand up to Austin.  And I’d be happy, albeit alone.  I’d much rather be alone for eternity than doomed to a life in NYC with a strange man and stranger friends.  I was used to being on my own.

Before I reached the bed, my feet stopped.  I looked over at the bathroom door.  Looking in a mirror would help me confirm that no time had been lost.  That I was still the 19 year old girl I knew that I was. 

I felt my hands tremble as I pushed open the door and flipped on the light.  I warily stepped in front of the sink and stared into the mirror.  I barely recognized my reflection.  Not that I looked that different.  Just small things that made me not recognize the person staring back at me.  My face looked thinner than I remembered, but that was probably just from my hospital stay.  My hair looked shinier and fuller than usual.  Which was odd because I had been lying in a hospital bed for God knows how long.  How did it look so good still?  It was also a little shorter.  Maybe the hospital staff had cut it.  That was something they probably did for patients, right? 

I touched the side of my left eye.  The small creases that cut through the skin by the corners of my eyes couldn’t be as easily explained.  I was probably just in desperate need of moisturizer.  But really, my complexion looked great.  I’d take the creases next to my eyes over the blackheads on my nose any day.  I leaned closer to the mirror.  My pores had never looked so clear.

Things like that didn’t just change overnight.  I swallowed hard and closed my eyes.  I’m imagining this.  It isn’t real.  I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, expecting my 19 year old self to be staring back at me once again.

But it wasn’t.  I wasn’t the same.  How was I not the same?  I reached out and touched the mirror, like I was about to touch someone else’s face.  But all I felt was the cold glass.  I stared at the tan line on my ring finger and removed my hand from my reflection.  My fingers left smudges on the clean surface. 

The tan line on my ring finger could be explained.  I was terrible with self tanner.  It always left streaks everywhere on my pale skin.  This was just one of those instances.  A classic Penny self-tanning faux pas.  Nothing a little scrubbing wouldn’t remove.

I looked down at my hands, arms, legs, and feet.  Everything else looked familiar enough.  Normal enough.  I was still me.

I touched my stomach through my hospital gown and froze.  My stomach felt bloated.  Very bloated.  It didn’t feel like my stomach at all.  I pulled up my hospital gown and stared in horror at the sight of myself. 

I had a small beer belly.  That was the only way to describe it.  There was a horizontal line with stitches beneath the protrusion.  And there were two other smaller lines with sutures on either side of my stomach.

What the hell had I been in here for?  I put my hand on my stomach.  For a second I thought maybe I looked this way because I was pregnant.  But that couldn’t be it.  I’d feel different.  I’d feel a baby inside of me.  It was something I’d always wanted, way way in the future.  And this was certainly not that time.  Even thinking about carrying Austin’s baby made me nauseous.  No, it wasn’t possible.  Absolutely not.  My parents would kill me.

Just the thought of disappointment on their faces made me know how impossible being pregnant was.  I’d never get pregnant out of wedlock.  I wouldn’t be able to handle upsetting them.  That was why I always followed the rules.  And got good grades.  And did everything I was supposed to do.  It was also why I was on birth control and made Austin use a condom.  No mistakes.  I lowered my hospital gown back down over my stomach.

I must have had something wrong with my intestines or liver or something.  Liver.  It definitely had to be my liver.  I’d drunk alcohol before I was 21 and this was my punishment.  When was the last time I had something to drink?  When was the last party Melissa dragged me to?  I doubted I had more than one beer either way.  Could that have made my liver fail?  Or maybe it had been two beers.  I couldn’t remember.  Either way, that was probably what did it.  And my stomach was swollen because of whatever the doctors did to fix my failing liver.  I was fine now.  No one said I was dying so they probably didn’t have to remove it.  They had just opened me up and poked around a bit.  Everything would go back to normal soon.  How important could a liver be?

Or maybe all of this was a bad dream.  A horrid dream and I’d wake up in the morning in my dorm room and everything would be okay.  I was just stressed out over finals.  Knowing me, I had probably fallen asleep in the library with my head in a book and was just dreaming away.

I stared at my reflection.  The reflection I didn’t believe.  It’s all in your head.  I switched off the lights.  It’s all in your head.  I climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.  It’s all in your head.  But I couldn’t erase the image of the city street below.  Or ignore the sounds of the cars.  Or the fact that a woman had stared back at me in the mirror.  Not the girl that I knew.

END OF CHAPTER 4

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A Whirlwind of Color Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Tuesday

One couple at a time came into my room and pretended to know me.  A me that didn’t exist.  A fabrication in their minds.  I knew who I was.  And I didn’t belong in this hospital bed surrounded by strangers.

They told me story after story, all which sounded made up.  And almost all the stories featured the man standing in the corner of the room, staring too intently at me.  James.  My make-believe husband.  Not once did a smile cross his face at hearing any of the funny memories.  Not once did his scowl disappear. 

I tore my eyes away from him and stared back at the couple in front of me.  A blonde with a kind smile and a man with dark eyes and dark hair.  They both looked tan like they had just been on the beach.  And they definitely looked older than me.  Cleary I wasn’t really friends with all these old people.  If this was some sort of prank, they should have hired younger actors.

The woman glanced nervously at the man and both their smiles disappeared.  I had been tuning them out.  Had they said something funny?  Something I should have laughed at or remembered? 

“First you two ruined my proposal and now my honeymoon too?  What am I going to do with you?”  The guy named Mason winked at me.

That explained why they were so tan.  They had been on their honeymoon.  But it didn’t explain anything else he said.  Or who he was.  Or why I was friends with either of them in this fantasy world.

“You just got married?” I asked.  “Congratulations.”  How the hell can I get out of here?

The woman started blinking fast, like tears were threatening to spill.  “Yeah, Penny.  You were my matron of honor.”

Matron of honor.  I stared at her.  So we weren’t just friends in this made up reality.  We were really good friends.  Best friends, possibly.  I shook my head.  I already had a best friend.  Where was Melissa anyway?

The woman put her hand on my blanket covered shin.  “Don’t you remember?”  Her smile wavered when I didn’t immediately respond.  She removed her hand like I had burned her and looked up at her husband.

He cleared his throat.  “I know Rob is desperate to see you.  He’s probably here by now.  We’ll go let him know it’s his turn.”

   I would have asked who Rob was, but I didn’t want to hear another story.  The two of them walked out of the room, leaving James and me alone.

I didn’t know where to look so I settled on my intertwined fingers.  I wished he would leave.  Then I could find a way to get out of this room.  The silence was heavy between us.  I could feel his eyes on me.  But I didn’t know what he wanted.  And even if I had known, I doubted I could give it to him.  I wasn’t who he thought I was.

But the silence was driving me insane.  “How long have we been married in this scenario?” I asked, while still staring at my hands.

He hesitated, his eyes boring into me.  “A little over four years.”

That was a long time.  Four years that I couldn’t remember because they had never really happened.  I wished he would stop staring.  I wished he’d leave me in peace.  “Did we date for a while before that?” I asked, trying desperately to vanquish the awkward tension in the air.  I had never been good in situations filled with awkwardness.  My mouth usually filled the silence with incoherent nonsense.  Or I’d just stay mute until the awkwardness felt physically painful.

“We were engaged for two and a half years.”

That was an odd way to answer that question.  I looked up from my hands.  “But how long did we date before our fake engagement?”

His eyes locked with mine.  “I proposed to you two months after I met you.”

I laughed.

He didn’t.

I bit the inside of my lip.  We’d been married for four years.  Engaged for two and a half.  And my mom had said I was 26.  Yeah, right.  I stared at him.  That would have meant that he proposed to me when I was 19.  The same age I actually was.  I racked my brain, trying to remember him.  But there was nothing there.  Because none of this was real.

Besides, who gets engaged when they’re 19?  Not me.  Certainly not me.  I had never even officially had a boyfriend.  Austin and his stupid lack of labels.  He was an idiot and surely even he wouldn’t propose to someone when he was 19.  But James was older than me.  That was obvious.  There was no way he had been 19 when he proposed in this twisted fairytale he was spewing.

I stared at him staring at me.  “How old are you?”

“Thirty four.”

Thirty four?  “You’re fifteen years old than me!”

The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly.  “Penny, you’re not 19.  You’re 26.  And you’ll be 27 in a few months.  You’ve always been pretty adamant about the fact that I’m only seven years older than you.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you fake proposed to a 19 year old when you were what...27?”

“Yes, but you were 20, not 19.  It was after your birthday.  And none of this is made up.”

“That doesn’t make it better.”

The small smile had vanished from his face. 

“How did we even meet, huh?  I’m 19 right now and I’m seeing someone.  How could I be engaged to you after my next birthday?  And how would we have even met when you’re so much older than me?  I’m busy studying all the time.  None of what you’re saying could possibly be true.  This whole thing is ridiculous.”

“You’re not 19.”

“Yes I am!”  Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.  I didn’t want to cry in front of him.  “I am.”  I looked back down at my knotted hands on my lap.  I blinked fast, forcing the tears to stay at bay.  “You didn’t answer my question.”

“We got engaged because we were in love.  That guy that you think you’re dating right now?  Austin?  He’s a prick.  He never treated you right.  You deserved the world and all he gave you were excuses and lies.  You’re one in a million, Penny.  Not one of a million. Is it so hard to believe that you were strong enough to realize you deserved better?”

Yes.  Because I still stayed up late at night waiting for Austin’s calls.  Waiting for some validation that I was good enough.  One in a million.  Not one of a million.  That was sweet.  James thought I deserved the world.  He clearly loved me.  The word love seemed to roll my stomach.  I felt like I was going to be sick.  No, he didn’t love me.  He was just a good actor.  “I meant the other question,” I said, trying to distract myself.  “How did we supposedly meet?”

He didn’t respond, so I looked up at him.  There was heat in his gaze.  It was like he was willing me to remember.  But there was nothing there.  No recognition of his features.  No feeling when he looked at me.  Nothing.

“It’s a long story,” he finally said.

“I’m stuck in a hospital.  I probably have time for it.”

He shook his head.  “You didn’t like our age difference.  You’re not going to like this either.”

“How bad could it be?”  Maybe he just didn’t remember what he was supposed to say.  Actors forgot their lines all the time.

“I don’t think it’s bad.  And neither do you.”  He stared at me.  “Neither did you, I mean.”  But the expression on his face made it seem like it was really bad.

“What, did I steal you from someone else?”  I laughed because the idea was absolutely preposterous.

He lowered both his eyebrows.  “No.”

But for some reason I didn’t believe him.  Maybe it was the pause.  Maybe it was the way he looked offended when I’d asked.  Oh my God, did I steal him from someone else?  I shook my head.  Of course I hadn’t.  I didn’t even know him.  He was probably married to some Hollywood actress and obviously someone like me wouldn’t be able to steal him away even if I tried.  Not that I wanted to.  But still, I was curious about why he looked so upset.  It didn’t look like he was acting.

Before I could ask him any more questions the door flew open.

A man I had never seen in my life ran over to my bed and threw his arms around me.  His hair was wet like he had just taken a shower.  The t-shirt that clung to his broad shoulders was as wet as his hair.  Like he had thrown it on instead of drying off with a towel.

“You scared me half to death, sis.”  He kissed my cheek before pulling back.  “You look okay.  Do you feel okay?”  He pulled me into another hug.  “I’m so fucking happy you’re okay.”

Sis?  I wasn’t missing seven years of my life and there was no chance I had a sibling I didn’t know about.  Especially one older than me who looked nothing like me.

“Really, how are you feeling?”  He put both his hands on my shoulders and stared at me intently.

Who the hell is this person?  The intensity in his eyes suddenly looked familiar.  I studied his features and glanced at my pretend husband.  They looked similar.  Maybe this was James’ brother?  Which meant I was this man’s fake sister-in-law?  “Umm...I’m good.  Trying to get out of here as soon as possible.”  I laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah, I know how you hate hospitals.  But you’re awake and everything now so you’ll probably get out in a beat.  I’m just so fucking glad you’re okay.”  He pulled me into another hug.  “I never would have been able to forgive myself.” 

“Robert Hunter!”  A very pregnant woman stumbled into the room completely out of breath.  “I was trying to talk to you.”

“It can wait,” he said.  He released me from his embrace but kept staring at me instead of the pregnant woman.  “Scarlett’s doing okay.  She’s in the waiting room and I know she wants to see you.  And we’ve been looking in on Liam every day.  He’s strong.  I know he’s gonna make it.  You’re all fighters.”  He tapped the bottom of my chin.

“Who are Scarlett and Liam?”

His lips parted like he was about to tell me something.  But then he started laughing.  “Good one, sis.”  The pregnant woman walked up behind him and pulled him away from me with surprising strength.

She started whispering something to him, moving her arms around in agitation.

“No.”  He laughed.  “You’re shitting me.  Penny tell them what’s up.  Tell them you know who I am.”

Who is this person?  “Someone called you Robert Hunter?  I’m guessing you two are related somehow.”  I gestured back and forth between him and James.

He laughed again but it sounded forced.  “Very funny.  If you’re getting me back for all the times I’ve messed with you…”

“This isn’t a joke, Rob,” the woman hissed.  “She doesn’t remember us.  She doesn’t even remember James.”

Rob looked at James and shook his head.  “That can’t be true.  She’s just…that’s not true.  Tell them, Penny.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just shrugged my shoulders.

“This isn’t funny,” he said.  “My jokes are at least funny.  Cut it out.”

“We’re just going to take a minute.”  The woman pulled Rob toward the door.  “We’ll be back.”  They disappeared into the hall.

I looked over at James.  “Are you related to him?”

“He’s my little brother.”

“He’s…loud.”

James smiled.  “He is.”

“Are him and I supposed to be close?  He seemed pretty upset.”

“The two of you are really good friends.”  James left his perch against the wall and walked over to me.  “My family and friends became yours.”

My heart started racing.  What was he about to do?

He eyed the machine that was monitoring my heart rate and smiled.    “Everyone you’ve seen today loves you.  But no one on this earth loves you as much as I do.”  He slowly reached out his hand and brushed his fingers against my cheek.

I flinched and he immediately pulled away.

The look of hurt on his face was palpable.  I hadn’t flinched when his brother had repeatedly hugged me.  Why had I flinched from his touch?  I needed to change the subject.  I needed to wipe away that look of pain.

“Who are Scarlett and Liam?” I asked.

The hurt seemed to grow tenfold.  His Adam’s apple rose and fell as he stared at me.

“Two people I should know I guess?” I said.

Tears formed in the corners of his eyes.  If I hadn’t been staring at him, I would have missed it, because he immediately blinked them away.

He cleared his throat.  “If you’ll excuse me for one second.  I just…I need a minute.”  He hurried away from me, like he couldn’t stand being next to me for another second.

I was left alone in the hospital room.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  I rather liked being alone.

END OF CHAPTER 3

Come back next Tuesday to see Chapter 4!

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A Whirlwind of Color Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Tuesday

A different doctor than the first one came into the room.  He looked much more professional with a white coat, hair graying at the temples, and a stethoscope dangling from his neck.  I instantly trusted him more than the other man.  And he didn’t hover unnecessarily close or make me feel uncomfortable in any way.  Except for his onslaught of questions.

“And what’s your name?” he asked.  The way he was staring at me made me think this was some sort of trick question.  But I had only ever had one name.

“Penny Taylor.”  Maybe I didn’t like him that much after all.  He was treating me like a child.  I knew my own name.  “Do you want me to spell that for you?”

He chuckled.  “No, that won’t be necessary.”  He looked down at his notebook.  “And the very last thing you remember is studying?” he asked.

I nodded, my mind stuck on what my mom had said.  Penny, you’re 26 years old.  I shook my head.  I’d think I’d remember if seven years of my life had flown by.  “So can I get out of here?  I really do feel fine and I have exams to study for.”

The doctor jotted something down in his notebook.  He looked up from his pages and smiled.  “We’ll get you out of here as soon as we can, Penny.  You have my word.”

“You can’t release her like this,” my mom said.  “What’s wrong with her?”

Her words stung.  There was nothing wrong with me.  She was the one that had lost her mind.  I glanced at my dad for reassurance, but he was staring at me with just as much worry etched on his face. 

Penny, you’re 26 years old.  The words swirled around in my head, refusing to settle.  I’m 19.

“I’m going to go talk to your family in the hall,” the doctor said.  “We’ll be back in a minute.  Sit tight, alright?”  He tapped my blanket covered foot and walked out the door with my parents.

This was just some sort of bad dream.  I hadn’t been sleeping that well.  Austin had blown me off the past few nights, claiming he was studying for finals.  But he never studied, his GPA was proof of that.  I knew what he was doing behind my back.  Who he was doing.  And he was slowly driving me insane.

I was fed up with his shit.  I was so sick of being his second choice.  We needed to have a serious conversation about what we were.  Again.  How many times had we talked about the same issues over and over again?  But I refused to go home for the summer without knowing where we stood.  That would definitely drive me mad.

Wake up.  I patted the sides of my face but the hospital room didn’t magically transform to my dorm room.  Melissa would know what to do.  She could tell everyone what was going on.  I looked at the nightstand for my cell phone but it was nowhere in sight.  The chairs by the bed were empty too.  My backpack was nowhere in sight. Damn it.

I looked down at the IV stuck in my arm.  I was just contemplating how much it would hurt to pull it out when the door flew open.

The first doctor came barging in, his eyes blazing with anger. 

“Penny, we’re leaving.  I’m taking you home.”

I shrunk away from him.  Why would he take me home?  My parents could do that.  I didn’t like this doctor.

“Everything’s okay.  Let’s just get you unhooked from these.”  He looked at the machine I was attached to, like he was trying to figure out what to do.  How inexperienced was he?

“Mr. Hunter,” my new doctor said as he came into the room.  His cheeks were flushed red with anger.

“Penny, you know I’m sorry.  You know that.  You know I’d never hurt you.”

I opened my mouth and then closed it again.  Who was this guy?  “I don’t know you.”

He ran his hands down his face.  “Baby.”  He sounded tormented.

But I was more focused on what he had said rather than how he had said it.  Was he talking to me?  I looked at my parents.  I didn’t think he was talking to them.  When I turned back to him, he was on his knees by the side of my bed.

“Baby, just let me take you home.  We can’t trust any of the doctors here.  They don’t know what they’re talking about.  We’re going to go home and everything’s going to go back to normal.”

“To normal?”  My heart was racing.  What normal was he referring to?  And how did it involve me?

He grabbed my hand.  “Yes, baby.  Tell him you want to go home.”

I pulled my hand away from him.  “I want to go back to school.  I have finals.”

“Penny.”  His voice broke.  “You’re not in school anymore.  You know that.  I know you remember.  You have to remember.”  He lifted up my hand again, tilting it toward me.

I stared down at my hand.  There was a tan line on my ring finger.  A line that would have formed from years of wearing an engagement ring.  Or a wedding ring.  Or both.  I looked back at the man on his knees, with the desperation on his face.  There were small crinkles around the corners of his eyes.  Lines that came with age.  He was…old.  Not old like my parents.  But certainly older than me.  Too old for me.

“I need you to remember.”  His Adam’s apple rose and fell.  “I need you.”

I felt like I was going to throw up.  How many times had I wished Austin would look at me the way this stranger did?  So why did his gaze just make me feel sick to my stomach?  I pulled my hand away from him and shifted away from him on the bed.

“Mom, Dad.  Can’t you just take me home?  Please?”

“Penny, the doctor thinks it’s best if you just go back to your normal routine,” my mom said.

“Then take me back to school…”

“Your normal routine with James.  And Scarlett.  Here in New York.”

“But not for a few days,” my doctor interjected.  “We’d like to monitor your progress.  Despite what your husband thinks, not every doctor affiliated with this hospital is out to get you.  You’re safe here.  And hopefully your memory will come back before you even head back to your apartment.”

I barely heard him.  I was completely focused on one word he said.  Husband.  I looked down at the tan line on my finger.  I was married?  I looked at the man on his knees again.  To him?

“Does that sound good?” the doctor asked.  “In the mean time, there are a bunch of people in the waiting room ready to help jog your memory.  Familiar faces and stories will be good.”  He cleared his throat.  “Not angry, harsh moments.  Pleasant fun ones.”  He was staring at…my husband. 

I swallowed hard.  “You’re not a doctor?” I said to him.

For a moment it looked like he was going to cry.  But then he lowered both his eyebrows.  He stared at me in a way that no one ever had before.  Like he hated me and loved me at the same time.  Goosebumps rose on my skin.

“No.  I’m not a doctor,” he said.

“What’s your name?”

“James.”  He pressed his lips together and stared at me for a moment, like he was willing me to remember.  “James Hunter.”  He looked at me expectantly, like his name alone would trigger a memory.

But I didn’t feel like I had anything to remember.  I felt like everyone here was wrong.  The doctor.  My parents.  This man kneeling beside my bed.  This beautiful, broken man.  I didn’t need to know anything more about him to know that he was so broken.  And even though I didn’t know him, I hoped to God it wasn’t my fault that he was like this.  Because I had no clue how to fix him.  I had no idea who he was.  And as soon as I was out of this hospital I was going back to school.  I had finals to take.  School was my number one priority.

END OF CHAPTER 2

Come back next Tuesday to see Chapter 3!

***Ch. 3 now available HERE***

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